It is the Anzac Day long weekend. I am seated at the bar area of the Paleo Cafe staring out at Puppy Lane. I have coined this walk path outside the Paleo Cafe as Puppy Lane as dogs with their owners often walk past here, often stopping by the cafe for food, on the many occasions I have been here. People watching while I have my brunch alone on weekends is a habit I have formed over the last few months. It is therapeutic to be away from the hustle and bustle of my life as an economic consultant.
It has been a long while since my last post of any real substance here, perhaps since September 2013/March 2014. So much has happened since then. I juggled two full time jobs in late 2013 – an internship with the Reserve Bank in the day and completing my PhD thesis in the evening. I started a job after I graduated in July 2014. I am still in the same job, which takes up a substantial amount of my time. Over the last few months, I have started taking care of my health and fitness again, placing much more emphasis and time on it. I moved a lot, perhaps 5 times between then and now. At times, it almost feels like I am moving again when I have not fully unpacked from the previous move.
Why did I stop writing? I stopped writing because I was uninspired. I often found myself surrounded by people who lived lives like adults with set routines, bogged down by the mundane details in life, losing that randomness and spontaneity that makes us humans. I stopped writing because I found myself no longer surrounded by people who are bright eyed and intellectually curious. I stopped writing because I started churning out work to meet deadlines. I wasn’t discussing economics or anything intellectually invigorating anymore. I stopped writing because life overwhelmed and consumed me, particularly over the last few months. I stopped writing because I was often exhausted. I stopped writing as I started leading another dual life – one as a corporate economist in the day, and another as an academic wannabe in the evenings. I have been chasing after my ideals as an economist in the corporate world in the day and desperately trying to fulfill my intellectual needs in the evenings. While chasing after the elusive goal of wanting to make a difference in the world by facilitating understanding of economics between economists and non-economists, no matter how miniscule that difference is, I lost myself. I lost myself in the bottom line driven corporate world of office politics, time sheets and getting silenced ever so often. The more I chased after the elusive, the further I became away from it. My life became driven by time sheets and I started viewing my time almost entirely as a precious commodity. I grew even more impatient, which doesn’t help as patience isn’t quite a virtue of mine to start with.
Until December 2015, I stopped travelling solo for a few years. When I finally did that again, I realised how much I have missed the unknown and putting myself out there knowing new people along the way. I have missed trusting my own gut instinct of knowing what is danger and what isn’t. I have missed being inspired by people from all walks of life, each with a story of their own to share.
Over the course of this year, perhaps I will rediscover myself and start liking myself again. I will find that quietly confident self back again. I will voice out my opinions again, rather than silencing them. I will find my voice again. I will do the things I like to do. I will not be the person that society and bosses wants me to be, the high flying achiever portrayed in my CV. I want to learn how to be alive and to be living life with excitement, again. Magic happened when I was alive – doing all things I love, care and am crazy passionate about; and when I didn’t care a shit about what others think about me.